May 10, 2013
That time someone puked all over the Hamlin 3 bathroom
This is one of those stories that go down in infamy. The best part of this story is that even to this date, none of us know who did it. That's probably the best and worst part, we had no one to kick the shit out of for this disaster that I'm about to tell you about. There has been speculation to the culprit but no real solid evidence and even though they secretly tried to cover up their mistake, it doesn't help the fact that they pretty much destroyed our bathroom for the weekend. Enduring the smell wasn't one of those things I can really tolerate so I ended up using one of the other floors restroom or another building if I could, this is how it begins.
So its Friday afternoon and I decide that I have to pick up a few things at home that I have overlooked or had waiting for me while I still could since I live pretty close to campus. I say my goodbyes and head home. I get the stuff and come back to campus and notice this strange unpleasant smell in the hallway, this isn't a rare occurrence especially on the weekend, but this particular smell is worse than usual. It's not that powerful so I just walk to the dorm and close the door to avoid having to get waffs of that smell every now and again. Settling in I am enlightened to what has occurred in my absence.
Someone vomited all over the bathroom.
I'm not a stranger to someone vomiting in the bathroom but most times they make it to the toilet or its just a little spillage on the floor that is wiped up. This is not one of those times. I'm not sure if it was curiosity or I had to use the restroom but I ventured out and took a look. I walk down the hallway and notice that the floor and wall have this weird red stuff on it. We're not off to a good start. I manage to open the door without touching the crap on the door and what I see is horrific.
The first thing I see is this giant... okay to fully understand the size of this pile I want you to imagine one of those giant party pizzas that people buy for events or what have you, you know with the crust on the outside and the million little non-crust squares of pizza heaven on the inside? Yeah its about that size, circular and not in any shape or form as nice smelling and pleasant as that party pizza. It's fucking disgusting, a giant, red apple sauce looking pile of vomit. It would have been so bad, had this person not vomited on the walls, mirrors, countertops faucets, doors, windows, on the stalls, IN the stalls, that's right, they vomited so explosively that it went over the wall of the stall and into it.
How this is physically possible? I have zero idea. None, I have no idea how this person managed this. It's like someone exploded in there, just up and spontaneously combusted all over the place. I wasn't even aware how someone could consume the amount of food required for what I was now observing let alone regurgitate it back up. Honestly, this was hell and I'm the kind of socially awkward kid that wouldn't bother going downstairs to avoid running into someone I don't know. This in my mind would start some strange conflict like I'm not allowed to use their facilities and so on and so forth. So I attempt to use the washroom while holding my breath, this is not an easy task, I don't think I've pissed so fast in my life.
Now this is Saturday, the cleaning staff don't work weekends, which means we have to use this bathroom, as is, until Monday, if the cleaning staff can even get the balls to clean this up. Honestly if it were my job I would have quit on the spot, fuck that shit. So we still had to shower and stuff since we don't just fucking stop living our lives because of something stupid so people are showering, myself included. Now just having it sit there is one thing, but having steam from hot showers is not helping the situation. It intensifies the smell. You know that smell that happens after a nice rainfall? That's how everything smells normally, but we can't smell it due to the lack of moisture in the air, the added moisture from the rain enables us to sniff the glory of our outside world. So as you can imagine, us adding moisture to the air from our showers is taking this hell hole to the next level. I almost vomited mid shower.
On Sunday morning, this is day 2, by this time the whole floor smells bad and everyone has retreated to their respective dorms and has their doors firmly closed and you can smell air freshener every time you open someone's door. Well some time during the night the perp has put down these disgusting cedar or some sort of smelly wood chips down on the floor like that was going to help. Sure it helped soak some of it up and did dampen the smell slightly, but it didn't help that much, it was as they weren't there. it's like covering a dead deer on the side of the road that's been baking in the mid summer heat with a facial tissue. The whole thing is ridiculous and to this day I haven't forgotten it as hard as I have tried. There were a lot of jokes about who did it but we never did find out though most of us settled for blaming one person even though we had no real proof and didn't really harass them about it.
I'm pretty sure the cleaning staff wasn't very thrilled about cleaning it, but I was glad to be able to use the bathroom once again that week even if the smell did linger for a while. It was nice to be back in our own bathroom again after the entire floor has been going elsewhere to relieve themselves or shower without gagging uncontrollably. I don't think the other floors really cared but it was crowded sometimes which can be a real pain in the ass and really awkward if you needed to shower. I know this is all very hashtag-first-world-problems, but it's still one of those moments that just leave you in awe.