April 27, 2013
DONUTS AND SNAKES
I WILL, however, brag that I have been in some pretty weird sexual situations, my favorite of them being this story.
In December 2011, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. Shit was serious between us until the April of 2011, when she announced she was going to Florida. I, in foolishness, suggested we have a long distance relationship; but, as do most relationships of that ilk, this one failed and left me without sex or any form of human physical attention for the better part of seven months. Out of frustration and an unwillingness to alter the situation at hand from either of our parts, we broke up.
Enter my buddy Curt, in college.
Curt has always been a "give give give" sort of person when it comes to certain things, and I love him like a brother. In this situation, I can't tell if he was doing me a favor or metaphorically handing me a beehive just to see what happened.
Lo and behold, however, Curt proffers a phone number to a girl that will put out, no questions asked, although remarking that he did not want to have sex with her. Figuring I needed a one night stand and since I had the backing of one of my best friends, I jumped at the chance.
RED FLAG ONE:
This girl, whose name I found to be "Snakes", sent back a whopping 150 texts to my paltry 15 in the first hour or so. I, not really taking that as an issue, decided to just shower, shave my balls and wait for her to arrive so we could bump uglies.
RED FLAG TWO:
I received a text stating that "Il be thrr shrtly". Walking outside, I see a beaten up Dodge Calibur round the college campus loop at an alarming speed, then park on the curb about 300 feet from where the door to my dorm building was.
RED FLAG THREE:
I walk up to her awkwardly parked car, and she gets out, flicks a cigarette butt, and says with some variety of a speech impediment "Thup". She then proceeds to hand me her stuff.
Yes, she brought stuff to a one night stand.
She hands me a weighty backpack, three dozen still warm donuts, and a large pillowcase that is bursting at the seams and filled with some undoubtedly foreign... thing. After lugging all this shit up to my place, we finally sit down and get to know eachother a little.
At a random point in our conversation, she says "Alright, leth fuck." and throws her donut on the ground with a level of cavalier that I still fail to understand.
On the bed, lying down, I think to myself, "This was probably a bad idea." as she offers to give me some "killer head". An excruciating NINE minutes later (I was actually keeping tabs to see how long the horror of this toothy, dry-mouthed and rough bout of oral would last), she pops my dick out of her mouth. After asking why it was to no effect, I respond that "It was so good I held it back."
She fluffed the pillow and laid on her back, assuming what I can only describe as the most comical adaptation of the classic position wherein the girl lies with her legs up in the air.
She looked like a fucking starfish, if that helps you to form a mental image.
I take the plunge, only to discover that her vagina was hard, insanely moist, and that she was completely awful in bed. The whole way through this ordeal, she practically tickled my torso with her fingertips and made an obscene amount of noise that I would not consider in any realm "sexy". She also did not move.
Having sex with a hole in a maple tree during spring would have yielded better effects; twenty minutes of this awkward hell I suffered to get off. I pulled out, chucked the condom into the trash, and put on my clothing as fast as I could for fear of what may happen next.
This, boys and girls, is where it gets weird.
She puts her pants on and offers to show me some neat stuff. Knowing in my mind that the night couldn't get any weirder, she pulls out a MASSIVE black wobbly dildo (that she bragged about doing anal with).
And still, it gets weirder:
She unties the pillowcase, and pulls out the impossible: an eight foot python. Alive. And in my dorm.
Sadly, this was the highlight of my night; the snake was remarkably tame and made no attempts to escape (probably because we were warm), and it was pretty fucking cool to just play with an eight foot long creature.
Come to find out later, she illegally owned MANY snakes in her one bedroom apartment (about 125 total).
She packed, left, and I was left in the throes of complete confusion to attempt to hash out the recent sequence of events in my brain to no avail.
The next day, she yelled at me a lot and I gave those 36 donuts to my fellow British Lit. students and told this story for the first time.
...and that is the story of Donuts and snakes.