Review #102

November 6, 2014


It's been a while since I have written a review, but I guess it's time to get those gears greased up again.  So the topic of discussion today is a mobile game called "Clash of Clans".  Clearskyy constantly was trying to get me to play it for the longest time, but what finally wore me down was my little cousin who kept on me about it one day.  I proceeded to download it and as soon as I started it, it became apparent that I was locked into another "Facebook" type game.  "Yup, here we go again..." is what I thought to myself.

Not long after getting past the first few small upgrades and then the first couple big upgrades I finally was able to save up for, it started to feel less like a Facebook game and more like a really really long term RTS.  The first few times I was attacked I was like, "Aww man they stole some of my shit, I guess I'll just have to make sure I use up as much of my resources as I can before my shield goes away."  The few times after that it started to feel more like, "Why you takin all my shit, do I look like a bitch?" At that point I decided to "Revenge" attack people...oh what a joke that turned out to be.  More than half the time if they can whoop your ass, it's because they actually mean business and they deserve to feast upon your poor defenseless resources, because you are in fact, a bitch.  

Once I started played the resource purging game and found myself only losing about 2k - 10k or so of resources per attack, I start to get smarter and thought to myself, "Lemme see what the hell they are doing and how I am losing because I can't be that much of a loser this often."  Now granted, for me, it did seem to be like a 50/50 split between how often I was getting trampled and when I was able to block somebody, but it still was discouraging to lose as much as I won.  I started watching the replays and started realizing where I was weakest and what they seemed to go for.  Often times when I attacked people or the goblin computers I always found my mindless troops attacking whatever the first building is they came to, disregarding their impending doom looming over them.  This was however a small strategic advantage that I was able to use for myself.  It was however a very small advantage due to the fact that there are certain thresholds of winning the game.



Firstly, I would say your Town Hall is the most important building in the game.  That would normally be a given, but having seen someone place their Hall precariously in one of the top corners, it seemed strange that I was even bothering to save it when it was only filled with 1k of each resource and what they really were after was...ME BOOTY.  That was a grave and unforgiving mistaken having had someone attack me with 1 brave little barbarian and bludgeon the piss out of my building and win with a 3% yield. F...M...L...

Secondly, don't always use your buildings as cover for your weapons.  More often than not the army attacking you is probably upgraded to the point that your guns are like little pea shooters to them and they will mow down all of your buildings before you can say "Holy crap filled gum drops Batman, they just keep coming.  I wonder if they will trip over the debris of our newly demolished town and stab themselves in the eye?"  So ya, I'm not exactly sure what the percentage to win is, but I'm pretty sure its as soon as that jerk gets to 50%, you're done.  They can walk away and flip you the bird and they will have achieved sweet victory over your rotting corpse.  So merge your shit together and don't make it easy for them to take that 50%.

Thirdly, use your walls to your advantage.  Block your important shit in and make it so they gotta barge through 2 sets of walls before they take your ass down.  I believe boxing your shit in was probably a hint given by Clearskyy, but confirmed by all the shitheads who kept taking all my shit.  So make small boxes around important things if you can, but don't go nuts because you'll run out of wall very quickly.  The only downside to the box method is that 1) There are a bunch of aerial troops that will likely surpass your cleverly formulated Tetris puzzle.  2) Don't act like a mass of any type of unit won't eventually get through your defense because I have seem 100+ barbarians blow through my town like it was a bunch of Popsicle sticks.  3) There are units who blow up walls quickly, and units who don't give a shit about knocking down your sheety wall, they just climb over it and start eating all your sheety chicken, and of course destroying what you have grown to love.



From what you have heard so far you can tell that I approve this message and this game was a good addition to the time wasters of my life.  It tickles my fancy in that I can hop in for 5 seconds and farm my coins or slap a new upgrade to something.  Or I can get on for 20 minutes+ to reconfigure my plot and slap somebody around for a few minutes.  I would say it's worth playing even if it's just for the first few weeks of enjoyment.  


CONS that I've played this for a few weeks, maybe almost a month, and I can say that I've probably got my fill of this game.  The rage quitting due to the "Matchmaking" bullshit, which basically just feels like it's to put your little bitch ass in it's place time and time again, doesn't make it feel like it's worth doing anything except maxing out your resource farmers and just making your buildings better.  And on the flip side of the "Matchmaking", I would say its not even worth battling anyone unless they are obviously a noob and have decided not to log on in a few days to dump their resources into something.  The cost to reward ratio doesn't seem worth it when the stuff that's worth sacrificing costs more than the "grand haul" you plucked from that grubby little noob's cold dead fingers.  I think the only thing that keeps me battling would be the stupid "League" nonsense that makes you seem pretty legit until someone from 2 tiers above you comes and stomps your dick into the ground.  I do realize that there are better titles than the likes of this, but having only been really exposed to this one, I can say that the only other 'con' I have is that it is a super big battery hog.  I can feel how hot it makes my phone when I use it on a regular basis.  That being said I would advise against charging your phone and playing games like this at the same time for extended periods of time if you can help it because I've heard horror stories where people turn their phones into very hot shiny bricks.  



So lesson learned people, don't take candy from strangers, don't piss in public, and most of all, don't feed the trolls.  


AMMENDMENTS (5 months later)

So here I am again.  Letting you know after six long months of playing this game, I have uninstalled it.  I will not look back, I will not pass go, and I'm definitely not getting my six months back.  I'll let you know right now that I am still a scrub after all this time and I only got to a level 8 town hall (out of 10).  I did learn a lot more after having written this review, but it didn't get me very far when it all came down to it.  I made it all the way to third level crystal league, which is peanuts compared to how far there still was to go (Champion League 2 tiers up).  

If you're still having trouble figuring this game out, or even if you're just starting out.  Just use Youtube, or the wiki.  It will be your best friend in figuring out how to manage and manipulate this game down to the repeating sequence used to give you gems from all those stupid bushes and trees that keep popping up on your map.  

I'll tell you what finally did me in though.  I'm sitting here on the shitter, looking at my phone and shaking my head at someone who just fucked me up 100% after I have tediously re-positioned my entire town numerous times.  I'm watching the replay and I'm just at a loss.  This guy may have been on the same crystal league as me, but he is LEAGUES more equipped than I ever would be.  It was no wonder I got stomped, the guy could have sent half as many troops in to get the same job done.  I watch til the end and I see how much dark elixir he took and I'm just livid.  I go back to base, collect all my little resources, and see that everything I've done has been for naught.  

Here's the back-story, Yesterday after I got attacked and took a 70% hit, so I figured I had like 12 hours to figure my shit out and get prepared for butt pound #2.  I roided out my dark elixir pumps and sat back and watched them do their magic.  I wake up today to see butt pounding #2 wasn't too bad...a minor setback with the elixir, but I've got another 10-12 hours to stock up before #3 comes.  Mind you I've been sitting on 9k for DAYS at this point and have not crested that faithful 10k mark for my FIRST upgrade.  I figure maybe I can finally get to 10k before #3, and I can finally rest assured knowing that I'm not going to be a scrub for the rest of my life.  So I've literally spent all day trying to farm dark elixir to save up just enough to upgrade SOMETHING with 10k or 12k to get something to level 2.  

Fast forward to me on the shitter again, At this point I've had my gold farmers maxed out for days, and my normal elixir farmers are on their final stretch before they are maxed out.  I see my dark elixir count and I realize right then that I'm literally 200 lower than I was this morning.  I realize that this isn't going to get better in terms of resources.  My dark elixirs can be upgraded, but its going to take ages to save up just to upgrade them.  I look down at what I've accomplished and where I am in this game and how far I have appeared to have come.  I go through the same repetitive motions of seeing what I can buy for my 500k gold and I see that it's going to be my air defense.  It's going to take 5...fucking...days.  This isn't the first time I've spent a lot of gold on something basically useless (Elixir storage, I'm lookin at you ;P).  Nor is it the first time I had bought an upgrade for one of my air defenses at this same price and time frame.  I realize then that I'm never going to get ahead in this game.  Its always gonna be 3 steps forward and 2 and a half steps back every time somebody comes and takes all my shit.  Even if I do hit 10k dark elixir, I'm still going to wait fucking 5 days to upgrade whatever it is.  If an air defense takes 5 days, then fucking everything I have left in this game is going to take me that long if not longer to upgrade.  The sheer weight of that thought finally took its toll and I backed out of the game, went to my apps page and uninstalled the bitch without even the slightest hesitation.  

On that note you can take this review at face value and I hope that anyone who does enjoy this games continues to do so.  You have bested my patience, my skill level, and my ability to manage the things I like to think I have control over. 

Hope you enjoyed,














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