Newest Editorials

March 2018

Destiny 2: Death of the Franchise

Let’s set the mood with a little music: Dead! - My Chemical Romance   Well maybe death of the franchise is a bit of an overegageration but if things don’t change in the way that Bungie handles Destiny 2, it’s on its way to kiss the boots of the Mara Sov once again, but again it’s only implied she died, we have no actual evidence, hint hint, wink wink. Bring back the best girl. Honestly, bring back the Queen of the Awoken, she had one of the best story lines and some of the hottest gear in the game, it looked slick as fuck and it was purple, purple is the dopest of colors. Okay that last part is slightly biased but I do like purple and I did really enjoy the insignia that the Queen had on all her gear. The gear even had some crazy names that implied your loyalty to her, it was...

April 2016

The Inverse Exponential fun problem with The Division - The Plateau effect.

It is with a heavy heart that I write this article, but I haven’t lost hope yet. Much like a father who learns their son much prefers Soccer to Hockey, I’ll live in the vague denial that eventually things will turn around and we can all live in harmony. I still think The Division can bring sexy back and make me sink another 80 hours into it with no problem, they just have to do a few things right.   This was to be Ubisoft’s love letter to me. Back when this game was first announced I was astounded. I became the hype, I was hype incarnated, much like a phoenix Moltres on RedBull my energy levels were greatly surpassing the 9000 threshold without the assistance of Kaio-ken. Never before had I seen a game so goddamn pretty! ...

November 2015

Fallout 4

Alright, I'm not going to bother writing a review for this game. It's not that I couldn't, it's just... let's play a game and its called "let's get real" and it starts with you getting real. There are already a million reviews, guides and all sorts of other bullshit out there. I don't need to try and even attempt to join the pool of bullshit you can sieve though and spend just amount the same time it would take you to do all the side quests. That isn't going to stop me from at least trying to "talk" about it. Talk in quotations there because I'm typing and you're reading. Scanning the lines of text with your eye holes and then the squishy thing in the back of your head somehow turns that into cognitive goop that you understand and works with your conscious abilities to comprehend what you're trying to understand. You're probably not even reading this with the same voice in your head that I'm using. Maybe you are. Stop that. Who said you could use my voice!? How did you even do that?...

 

Newest Reviews

October 2017

Hollow Knight

If you read my review on some other games, you will know I glorify shitty games just because they're inconsequential, stupid fun. The lack of polish, cringey voice acting, and sloppy controls (or any mixture of these things and more) really makes a game a memorable experience of sorts. But then there are games like Hollow Knight, which remind even garbage people like me that games can be a genuine art form.To be blunt, I've been in a massive slump lately regarding games. Too many robot games. Racing games are the same. Guns aren't creative anymore (save for Prey). Characters lack depth or are completely inconsequential to the plot. Games feel like a sludgy waste of time lately. The older I get, the less I feel a sense of accomplishment for beating a boss or gibbing another player in one of the myriads of online games. To that point as well: the single player, immersive experience is practically lost these days. And that's okay! Multiplayer is a modern marvel, making use of...

August 2016

Pokemon Go

Pokemon Go is a game that you play on your phone and I use the term "game" loosely in the sense that there is nothing really entertaining about it. The actual interaction that takes place between you and the software is minimal at best. Pokemon Go is like an extremely bad pedometer that doesn't even tell you how many steps you've taken. Full disclosure, I'm not even going to open the app to verify a few things and I'm going to write this based purely off memory (don't worry I played this religiously enough to have a solid idea of how this game works). The second reason for this is that I just updated to Android 7 (Nougat) and it refused to open the app without crashing the whole SystemUI. The idea behind the game is that you augment reality to put Pokemon inside our world. I think this is something we've all wanted since we first started playing the game on our gameboys as kids. I wanted to go on Pokemon Adventures! That was the dream to leave home and go on an adventure as a...

November 2015

Rock Band 4

When I had bought this game I was already convinced there wasn't going to be a need for a review. It was Rock Band 4.0 and it was another day at the office, same shit different day, if you enjoyed the previous ones you were probably going to enjoy this one... or so I lead myself to believe. I've had the game for some time now and I'm ready to throw my two cents into the mix about this game. I'm going to lump some Guitar Hero stuff in here probably as well for good measure. Why not, I didn't buy the game but I have played enough of it at my friend's house.  First off, what the fuck is up with this playlist? This is a major problem I have with this game. I have migrated from Xbox and moved over to Playstation when it comes to consoles so I left all my DLC behind. All my songs I previously bought over the years, gone. Fuck it, I can afford to buy them again if I really wanted. I thought it was going to be okay, I thought the stock playlist would be enough to get me through...

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